


how do you love?

by stonewaiis



Category: T@gged (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol and Drugs, M/M, quotes from are you in love (intro) from the regrettes album how do you love?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:27:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23337610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stonewaiis/pseuds/stonewaiis
Summary: if you said yes to all the things above, then yes my friend, i’m sorry, it appears you are in love.
Relationships: Trevor Askill/Brandon Darrow
Comments: 8
Kudos: 31





	how do you love?

_ are you in love? _

“trevor?”

he wasn’t listening, not really. he had bare minimum attention tuned into whatever hailey was talking about, more focused on the tiny specks of smashed glass wedged into the cracks of the sidewalk they sat on. it was hot out: the kind of hot that made your clothes stick to you like a second skin, and lethargy completely envelop any thought. a simple hum to note he'd at least heard her was enough satisfaction, usually, but she wasn’t having it. “trevor. we’re leaving.”

that was the night he realised he was in love with brandon darrow. 

they got up to leave their safe spot on the sidewalk at half past midnight on a thursday, school that morning approaching. they’d been drinking, just a little, desperately clutching onto the dead beaten remains of their summer break; of getting high, passing out and repeat. on that sidewalk they’d shotgunned beers and blasted music through a terrible stereo, and trevor has never felt more like a teenager. he supposed to love sicken feelings came with it. 

_ do you feel it in your stomach? _

brandon walked beside him, an obnoxiously neon blue penny board tucked under one arm. his hair was black at that point, having just recently dyed it. trevors mind went a little off track as he studied brandon with it, and thought about the pictures from all their years as friends tacked to his wall, all the years of brandon’s longer, naturally blonde hair. he liked the black. 

“your hair looks nice like that.” he commented, head a little fuzzy to really think about anything. he just thought brandon looked really pretty with dark hair, shorter and more cropped. it really made his eyes stand out, as cliche as it were. brandon laughed, tilting his head back up to the sky. there were no obstacles on the large, open road for him to worry about, so his eyes remained locked on the stars. trevors were locked on brandon. 

he felt something in his stomach. it was almost nerves, almost excitement, almost an ill feeling. it was an amalgamation of those, possible other things he couldn't even begin to describe. he’d felt it once or twice before, but he didn’t enjoy it, and he didn’t understand why. 

_ does it twist and turn and scream and burn and start to make you cry  _

he remembers that night, looking over at brandon as he started to talk about some story that happened with hailey that trevor had actually been present for, but he was too happy to interrupt. his smile was so wide it looked like his face would split apart, and his eyes were shiny with joy as they darted from trevor to the sky. trevor remembers feeling a click in his mind: he loved brandon. more than he should, maybe. 

_ but you like it?  _

he knows in that moment that he’d been in love with brandon for a long time. it was so scary realising it. he’d known he wasn’t straight for a while, not entirely, but in that moment he felt a wave of things he’d never experienced before. it was terrifying, and he had no one to vent to because he couldn't just tell his best friend ‘hey, i’m terrified because i just realised i’ve been in love with you since probably camp’

almost exactly two months later, sean threw a party for the end of the year. it wasn’t very fun: trevor kind of hated parties. usually he’d spend them with his actual friends rather than mingling with other drunk teenagers. he was a very extroverted person, but he just didn't really like anyone outside of his friend group. the drinking was the only good bit. 

brandon has gone to chase tail, sean and hailey had both mysteriously disappeared and nicki was god knows where. there were other people, but trevor didn’t really feel up to it at all that night. he hadn’t felt up to it for a while, but he was tired and his head hurt.

he ended up on sean’s guest room balcony, a blunt between his fingers. across the road, he could see a bald man glaring at sean’s house through the window, tugging the curtains closed angrily a second later. bummer. the stars were hard to see: if trevor squinted his vision tilted but he could see little white-yellow dots in the sky. he was too focused on trying to pick out a constellation whilst baked that he didn’t hear the screen door open. 

_ don’t wanna let it slip away _

“pass.” a voice mumbled from beside him, two fingers reaching for the blunt in his mouth. he knew the voice, it was brandon. anyone else wouldn’t have had it handed to them in a heartbeat the way he did. crossfaded and tired, trevor had no dignity left, he’d do anything for brandon in those moments. “it’s nice out here.”

“what happened to the girl you went after?” trevor ignored his comment, keeping his voice quiet. he felt numb and sparked all at once, perspective way off as he tried to tap straight lines patterns into the railing. “the short haired brunette chick.”

brandon shrugged, tilting his head back and exhaling smoke in swirls to the inky black sky. trevors eyes were glued to the expanse of his neck. “not my type, kinda a bitch.” he looked down again, after searching for orion’s belt. their eyes met, and neither of them looked away. “all the girls here are kinda bitches.”

trevor laughed, leaning his head against his folded arms on the railing. his body was starting to feel heavy: head weighing the same as a bowling ball. he was so exhausted. “all the girls in the area. i swear, ours are the only good ones left, but that’d be weird.” he crinkled his note at the mere thought of getting with hailey or nicki. then he remembered why, but he didn’t say that out loud. 

“agreed.” brandon laughed, standing up straight again. “wanna go inside? i feel like i’m gonna fall off the side.” for effect, he leant over the railing way too far, and trevor had to grab his arm when his high-paranoia kicked in. when brandon stumbled back, they shared a soft look. it was too soft, the kind of soft anyone gets with close friends drunk, high or both. trevors was disguised as that. his utter adoration, love stricken appeared like a boy happy to have a best friend. 

_ does it stretch into your throat until you don’t know what to say?  _

trevor wished he could say how much he loved him. how much he noticed, like his shyness when complimenting others because he was supposed to be the coolest guy ever, a masculine asshole. or how he hummed old songs from the eighties when he was in detention or class, or the doodles of baseball bats and comic like commentary. instead, trevor opened the door to the guest bedroom and stumbled in until he fell face first onto the cotton sheets. brandon fell beside him. 

when he looked up, their faces were too close. he’d drank to much. he’d smoked too much. so had brandon. 

_ does it hold you, under it's pillow in the night? _

he could’ve screamed in that moment. trevor would pay any amount of riches, any wish or goal to just be able to remember the way that brandon glanced down at his lips, nervous and shy and vulnerable. to remember the way he'd looked up and not broken eye contact for what felt like hours, before he moved forward just slightly, so slowly. 

he remembered a kiss, but not that brandon had been the one to initiate it, or that it started as just a kiss, just a slight kiss, before brandon pulled away slightly, his hands shaking where they’d been placed gently on trevors hip. trevor had chased his lips, and it escalated from there. 

brandon was so beautiful that night. he was a supernova. 

_ it kills you with it's passion and it’s endless beam of light  _

trevor remembers waking up alone

the sheets felt like they burned his skin, ashes of a star. brandon wasn’t in the house. sean said he’d left early that morning, hours before trevor had woken up in just boxers, faint memories of falling asleep through drunk laughter and smiles and maybe with his head on brandon’s shoulder. 

they didn’t speak for a week after that. trevor spent the remainder of the weekend drinking in his bedroom, and then skipped half the following week of school. when he actually did go in, they didn’t really cross each other’s paths. at least one of them skipped any classes they shared, and if they passed in the hall they pretended like they hadn’t seen one another. 

_ when you see yourself, in the future frail and gray,  _

by friday, after a whole week of radio silence, trevor wanted to scream. he remembered it a lot less genuine that it was, but he still remembered the soft smiles they’d shared on the balcony, and his heart had never felt as on fire. he knew every day he shared a moment like that with brandon he fell more and more in love, and it was starting to drown him. 

_ who do you want beside you, when you wake to start your day? _

he just missed his best friend more than anything. they didn’t speak until saturday afternoon, when nicki invited their inner circle over to get high at her house and watch movies. trevor had accepted knowing brandon would be there, but he craved his best friend. they never went a single day without speaking, even if brandon’s dad took his phone or grounded him, he still snuck out or even emailed him from the school computers. they were attached by the hip. 

nicki knew something was up. all of them did, probably, based on the fact neither trevor nor brandon uttered a word to each other for two hours. but nicki was the one to solve it. she’s taken an old trick, quietly asking both of them to get her something from the kitchen, setting them up. 

_ yeah, it’s extreme, i know what you’re gonna say. i’m being too dramatic, but this feeling feels this way. _

trevor almost just left, but he noticed how brandon didn’t. they both stood there for a minute straight, in silence. it wasn’t really awkward, it was just saddening. “my dad took my phone, sorry.” brandon said eventually, breaking the silence. he sounded sad. there was a bruise high on his cheek that trevor hadn’t noticed until then, under light makeup that was easy to see through for someone who observed that face whenever they could. “i should’ve said something.”

“it’s okay, i get it.” trevor mumbled, feeling a little guilty. he wasn’t everything. “are we going to talk about last weekend?”

brandon laughed weakly, shrugging, and trevor felt an arrow go through his heart. he felt sick. “tequila does crazy things, right? it’s nothing, don’t worry trev. i won’t ruin your street cred.” trevor didn’t think he’d be able to manage words again all day, he couldn’t even laugh. he just gave a half hearted smile. his movements probably seemed abrasive as he walked past brandon, accidentally bumping into him. he turned around to apologise, but the second he made eye contact, his mouth closed and he returned to the lounge where nicki was waiting. 

_ are you in love? _

being the weak hearted person he was, trevor forgave quickly. it was all uncomfortable for him for a while, every time brandon held his gaze for a little too long or became a little too touchy when intoxicated. on the contrary, it didn’t take long for brandon to become comfortable enough to bring up  _ that night _ , as it’d been dubbed. it was for all the wrong reasons. 

_ do you feel it in your spine?  _

it became something of bribery, if he wanted something his way. one uttering of ‘that night’ and trevor shut up, not considering that brandon would probably never do that to him, right? he’d ruin his own reputation too, so he surely couldn’t. sure, other rumours or embarrassing happenings hadn’t changed brandon in the slightest, but sleeping with your very male best friend had to be different. it would at least ruin his reputation as the most straight womanizer in their high school. 

_ shaking, waking, tearing, breaking, taking it's sweet time _

trevor had never hated brandon more than in those few months after that night. he spent some nights getting drunk or high or both and recalling as much of it as he could, different moments tainting more each time he thought through it, colorized dark by the time it’d hit four months later. he couldn’t remember a single good thing about it. as much as he thought brandon was super hot, he wished he could erase that night completely. 

_ but you want it. yeah, you need it just to breathe.  _

yet he found himself more attached to brandon than ever. they spent increasingly more time together. whereas before if brandon’s dad was acting up he’d sneak over maybe once a week and just call or text other than that, he climbed through trevor’s bedroom window almost every week night. on the weekends, they either went to one of the inner circles’ houses or watched movies at trevor's house. in class, they’d either speak in hushed voices or pass notes or text or signal to each other. 

on a friday, brandon was wearing one of trevors hoodies after having walked from his house in the pouring rain. they’d been warming up since, both holding scalding drinks to their chests, buried under duvets, squished in shoulder-to-shoulder on trevors bed, the tv on the opposite wall playing a random wes anderson movie they’d both seen too many times to not be able to recite lines. they surprisingly hadn’t touched trevors dads alcohol stash, or trevors own stash of  _ other _ things he kept in his dresser. 

_ you’re never sure of what trick it’s pulling from it’s sleeve  _

“i’m so sorry.” brandon breathed, his eyes dead set on the screen, but not looking into it. when trevor glanced at him, his skin was as pale as the white walls behind him. he looked anxious, his hands were erratic. “i’m sorry for everything since… since that night. i should’ve treated it so different,  _ god _ , i really fucked up didn’t i? i fucked up so bad, you’ve been so different and i miss you so much.” brandon was starting to hyperventilate. 

trevor panicked, grabbing his best friends half full mug and putting both of them on the dresser. brandon’s hands snapped up to rub the sockets of his eyes, and he just kept talking. his voice was shaky and trevor was so scared, he had no idea what to do. “no you didn’t. no you didn’t. i’m sorry.” what was he apologizing for? acting different? he didn’t even realise it’s been obvious. 

“i has an argument with my dad, a real one t. i’ve never seen him so angry. he threw shit at me, plates and stuff, and all i could think about was how much i’d fucked up wtih  _ you _ . isn’t that funny?” a coarse laugh left the back of brandon’s throat. “i was bleeding so much and getting the shit kicked out of me and all i could think about was the fact that i’ve used that night against you so many times even though i was the one who kissed you first.”

trevor lost feeling in his hands. he froze, brain short circuiting. 

brandon was shaking now. “i’m so sorry. i’m so sorry.” trevor grabbed his hands, pulling them from his face. brandon wasn’t crying much, and it seemed more frustration tears, but his eyes were so red. trevor hadn’t noticed the cuts, they hadn’t looked at each other much. sometimes nights were like that, brandon would come in so silent and they’d watch movies and fall asleep and act like their regular selves in the morning. brandon wasn’t bleeding anymore, but he had cuts from his eyebrow to his nose to his lips to his cheeks. there were two fairly large bruises, one on his jaw and the other on his cheekbone. he looked broken. 

_ if you said yes to all the things above _

“i love you.” trevor whispered. he flinched at his own words, dropping brandon’s wrists. the room fell silent. the world was collapsing in on itself, nothing felt real in that moment.

“what?” brandon mumbled

trevor felt like he was going to cry. he knew he was going to cry. “shit.” the curse left his throat like a whimper. 

he didn’t get the chance to say anything else, or to cry. brandon kissed him. 

_ then yes my friend i’m sorry, it appears you are in love.  _

**Author's Note:**

> this is so bad i’m sorry


End file.
